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  • Matt

Stepping into Fear with a Toad

Updated: Oct 5, 2022

I lived in fear for most of my life. Fear of public speaking, fear of what others think, fear of change, fear of failing, fear of success - there is even fear in sharing this post. I’ve worked through many of my fears over the years since starting my healing journey, but I wasn’t aware of how much my fears controlled me until I started doing breathwork regularly. And then I found a special toad.

In January of 2020 I had just come full circle on a year-long breathwork facilitator course. It was a transformational year for me. I was about to turn forty at the end of the month and I made a resolution not to live in fear anymore. Eleven days after my fortieth birthday, I stepped into that fear and partook in a private Bufo ceremony. Bufo or Sapo is the medicine from the Sonoran Desert toad (Bufo Alvarius). The toad secretes a venom from its glands that contain 5-MeO-DMT and 5-HO-DMT, two substances known for their entheogenic properties. These compounds are naturally occurring and can be found in several plant species. I had done my research, but knew nothing could prepare me for what I would experience - it frightened me. I mentally prepared for days, prepared to die, but not my physical body - perhaps my ego or something else.

* * *

The healer wearing all white with a red cloth belt opened the door and invited me into her space with a warm hug. Her presence was very loving and eased my anxiety. She welcomed me in and walked me to the room for the healing ceremony. It was simple and cozy with colorful blankets and pillows laid out on the floor for me to sit on.